Being a true celebrity is not about hanging out with that chump from U2 or sucking up to Trev and Simon. It’s the about things I list below. Enjoy my A-list lifestyle.

1. I saw Rod Hull with Emu one month before he/they died. He wished me a happy new year. Ironic
2. I got Gary Glitter’s autograph when I was 15. I escaped intact.
3. I have an old album with Jonathan King’s signature on. Is there a theme here?
4. I was with my friend when he knocked David Cassidy over on his skateboard.
5. My friend posted some meatballs through David “the kid” Jenson’s Letterbox. His dog ate them immediately.
6. I got in a cab being driven by Geoffrey from Rainbow.
7. My girlfriend’s sister was found wandering lost at a fete and John Inman looked after her.
8. I saw Fulton Mackay at a fireworks show.
9. I once a kissed a girl who was the daughter of a 1970s ITV newsreader. He had died of alcoholism though long before this.
10. I talked to Mick Brown (From ‘Pat & Mick’ ) about the weather once at a railway station.
11. I saw Lenny Henry in a public toilet.
12. I’ve seen former Prime Minister Edward Heath’s penis. He was standing next to me in a urinal once, and I felt that I had to look down just so that I could say I’ve seen a world leader’s wanger.
13. I once performed a poem in front of a chap who was in ‘The Flying Pickets’.