Lazy. It is the only word I can use to describe my website and Myspace activity recently. I did think about trying to flower up my exploits with a few big and choice words, but in the end, it all seemed to come back to lazy. L-A-Z-Y. Lazy does not mean lack of news though. Oh no. Things have happened. Allow me to tell you about them.

I suppose the easiest place to start is to tell you about what’s happening with my latest book. And the answer there is not a great deal. Well, that’s not strictly true. Every couple of days or so I get a very polite (and much duplicated) letter from some literary agent or other telling me that they have carefully considered my work, but on reflection have decided it is not something they feel confident in handling. I’m getting quite used to seeing my stamped addressed envelopes come back to their rightful home. I should be disappointed, but I have taken the Zen approach. Look at it not as an opportunity lost, but as another franked stamp to give to my mother for her cat charity collection fund.

This lack of a publishing deal, has however, made things on the money front rather tight. The life of a writer with a low readership is a largely pleasant one, but there are times when a small 36-page poetry book does not come up trumps keeping me in the lifestyle to which I have become accustomed. And what is that lifestyle? Well, it’s important that I have enough money for café coffee regularly (in fact, every day). It’s important that I have enough money to wander the streets, taking photos of 60s architecture and other concrete constructions that take my eye. Most importantly, it’s important that I have enough money to keep my big motorhome fed so I can pop to the seaside whenever I feel like it.

I am sad to say that at least two of the above are suffering because of financial shortcomings. But I’m not the sort of lad to sit on a sofa bemoaning this state of affairs. No. What I did was wait until the last possible moment before I sat on the sofa and bemoaned the state of affairs , and then I considered signing up with a temp agency. When that last possible moment had elapsed and I had barely enough money to buy a Kinder egg, I beamoaned the state of affairs from my sofa and then took the leap of actually signing up with a temp agency. And I don’t mind telling you, what a depressing experience that is. Firstly, I had to get a CV together. This I duly did, leaving out the bit about excessive drug use leading to complete mental breakdown and stint in rehab. Then I had to go and hand my CV in to some Daily Mirror reading young lady whose idea of crazy is, I should imagine, going out on a Saturday hen night wearing a pair of angel’s wings or devil’s horns. Then came the difficult bit. They ask you questions, the answers to which, I had not considered. There were challenging questions like, “how much money are you looking to earn?” and even more challenging ones like, “what sort of work are you looking for?”

Anyway, I won’t go into detail with my observations of the temp agency, except to say that I was rather worried with the big poster on the wall which stated “Work is not just about earning money. It’s about achievement.” ‘It bloody is about earning money, sod achievement,’ I thought to myself.

The short of it was that I was offered 3 roles. One was in a car dealership. NO!! One was for a telephone based sales role. NO!! One was answering the phone to unhappy people who had the misfortune to have suffered a burst pipe or a leaky roof in their house. I took this option. I’m pleased to say that I lasted a whole three hours before I told them I was going to lunch and never went back. The temp agency were not pleased. I felt like pointing out that work is not just about earning money, it’s about achievement, and I’d certainly achieved something that day by realising I was worth more than sitting at the end of a phone listening to some old buffer moaning. I didn’t point this out though.

So, the short of all this is that I am very short of money. And that is why I make a plea to you, dear reader. If you are in any position to offer a writer with a low readership some temporary work then here is my pitch:

“Outwardly scruffy but inwardly quite smart chap seeks mindless, repetitive work. Would like rarely populated second-hand bookshop, but will except envelope stuffing or simple data entry. Will always turn up on time, but insists on wearing jeans and preferably flip-flops too. Does not wish to answer telephones, but will take the odd call as a favour. Opportunity to read a book in the quiet moments would be seen as an advantage.”

If you can help to get me a job, I’d be dead grateful.

Thanks.