When I was going a little bit mad in 2004 I started to make a list of all the things that I didn’t like. I’ve no idea why I did this, but I did it nevertheless. When the list was completed there were 198 things on it. They ranged from simple things like Bono to complex things like milk.
Having sat unused on my computer for two years I have finally decided to make the list available for all to ponder. Unfortunately, I’ve decided against displaying the complete rundown because it contains far too many swear words and would be highly libellous, (containing as it does tirades against Lenny Henry and Ronan Keating amongst others). It should also be added that I am no longer mad, so lots of things on the original list that annoyed me no longer do.
So what I present here is a clean, edited version of that list. I do hope you find something on it that you agree with.
1. Touching other people’s dinner plates when they have finished
I don’t know why, but sauces bother me. The dirty plate remnants of someone’s munching gives me queasy feelings I find most disagreeable.
2. Seeing meals covered with ketchup
Beyond my long held belief that our world is obsessed with disguising the natural taste of things with multi-coloured condiments, I don’t like the smell and the look of food covered in tomato sauce. It’s messy, makes the plate look all grubby and gives people ketchuppy breath…It’s wrong! Of course I’m a total hypocrite because I like ketchup on a burger; as long as I can’t see the evil red sap.
3. The proliferation of soft scoop ice cream parlours that is leading to the demise of the traditional Mr. Whippy
Soft scoop is killing whippy. I might make some t-shirts with this slogan on.
4. Pointy People (very angular faces, like Kevin Costner)
I know for a fact I’m not dreaming this one up. There is something deep rooted in people’s psyche against pointy people. History has shown that pointy people are not as well viewed as roundly people. For example, there was Charles the 1st (he had his head chopped off) and the pointy lead singer from pop band Living in Box (he only had one hit). See what I mean?
5. Watching people eating eggs
I can’t get beyond the thought that an egg is a chicken that never made it. Besides, it’s drippy, runny and looks saucy and dirty. A scrambled egg is no better by the way.
6. The Smell of eggs being fried
No. Non!
7. People who look like foods
I used to go to school with a girl who looked like a beetroot. I found it very difficult to focus on her without thinking of the large red vegetable.
8. Thinking about black pudding in any detail
When I think about black pudding, it makes me heave. I have no idea why anybody would want to eat it, but I have been informed by many people that I’m simply wrong and it’s quite a tasty breakfast addition.
9. The smell and sight of baked Beans
On the whole I find the sight of a full English breakfast a pretty repulsive one, and beans are part of this evil blend. Firstly, they are covered in tomato ketchup (see point 2). Secondly, they stink when they are cooked. Thirdly, they look a saucy mess on the plate.
10. Touching Mayonnaise or Coleslaw
I think it’s the colour and texture that puts me off, but I don’t know why. I get quite upset if some ends up on my hands. I have to wash them vigorously.
11. Rugby
Rugby just seems a bit wrong to me. The ball is an odd shape and doesn’t bounce properly, there are far too many people on the pitch and there is an awful lot of touching involved. Besides, football is the master sport. Always has been, always will be.
12. Lateness
Hate it, hate it, hate it. I’m not going to waste anymore space here because I’m getting wound up just thinking about it.
13. Suits
Uncomfortable, take ages to put on, need to be correctly hung up, show you conform, hot and annoying.
14. Corporate People talking to each other in a weird kind of historical chivalric manner
This type of conversation seems to be used by corporate sorts all the time. “Well good day to you Mr Jenkins,” says the first corporate clone, “and how are you on this fine morning?” The second corporate clone responds, “I am spiffing Mr Smith. Will you be partaking in some beverages of the alcoholic variety at an advantageous time for us both this summer eve?”. “I feel a goodly proportion of ale would be a most excellent proposal Mr Jenkins.” And on and on and on this type of of boll*cks goes. It drives me mad.
15. Corporate people asking for “specialty coffees”
This will mean nothing to anybody who didn’t work where I used do. We had a cafe in the building and every morning I queued up for a black coffee. It was simple, easy and I was served in seconds. All the corporate people in front of me used to ask for complicated specialty coffees that took ages to prepare. Not only that, sometimes they complained about not having enough marshmallows or the right amount of frothiness in the cup. By this time I usually wanted to kill them. Then, to push me over the edge they decided to buy a load of specialty coffees for all of their colleagues. It used to put me in a bad mood all morning.
16. Corporate people taking ages to dry their hands in the toilet
Again this comes from my former workplace. It is not hard to dry your hands. It is not a precise time consuming exercise. It doesn’t really matter if your hands don’t end up as dry as they were before you walked into the toilet. Get in the there, do your business, wash your hands and get out. I was always quite happy drying them on my trousers.
17. Corporate people
Corporate people really, really give me the freaks. I don’t mean the reluctant cogs in the wheel, but those folk who get a kick from the lifestyle and enjoy it as if it’s the most important thing in life. Now, I’m clued up enough to know that we need corporations, but some of the people….oh my god!! Where do I start? Their world view, their narrow minded attitudes and viewpoints, their motivations, their dress sense, their values, their spectacularly misplaced ego’s, their humour, their conversations. I can’t go on. I’m too annoyed!
18. Going into a restaurant and on the menu there is a hamburger and a cheeseburger. So you ask for a hamburger and they say, “Do you want cheese with that?”
No, I don’t want cheese; it’s the devils sperm. That’s why I asked for a hamburger.
19. People wearing “novelty ties” (South Park, Donald Duck, Simpson’s etc.)
I don’t like these little displays of individual ‘wackiness.’
20. Ties
I wore a tie to work for five years. I hated every second of it. It felt like I was putting a noose around my neck every morning. I actually made a ‘no tie’ vow two years ago. Now I will not wear one. The only exceptions are for court appearances or funerals. I feel potential imprisonment and death are fair enough reasons.
21. TV Charity Events
From the outset I have to say that they do raise a lot of cash for good causes. But I’m very uncomfortable when large multimedia conglomerates decide on a “just” cause and the public follow it like sheep. I prefer to make my own charitable decisions and don’t want some nob wearing his pants over his trousers and a ‘wacky’ wig shaking a bucket of change in front of me,
22. Slightly plump men in tight fitting shirts
This unpleasant sight is normally perpetrated by lads in their late 30’s or early 40’s. Sometimes it can also be seen in ‘media sorts’ of a similar age.
23. Those NHS type glasses that media sorts wear.
So 1998.
24. Moccasin shoes
Worn by corporate people on social nights out and “nice” people during the day. Very very nasty.
25. Those 70’s type shades Elvis used to wear. Bono started to wear them about 5 years ago and he was 1 year out of date then.
These were ok before their bubble burst. That was in 1997. Fortunately Bono now seems to be the only person who wears them. I’m not even going to start on about Bono though. I’d end up in court for slander.
26. Late Easyjet customers on the program “Airline” who blame everybody except themselves for missing the plane.
You were late you tw*t, you deserve to miss your plane. Plan your life better.
27. Mini Metro’s
Ugly little bas****s. I found the slogan below from a manufacturers brochure. Is it any wonder we no longer have a car industry? “Absolutely the greatest ever small hatchback built in the West Midlands to come out of the closing years of the second half of the 1970s.”
28. Noisy sweet rustling in the cinema
Ooo, this winds me up.
29. People getting up from their seat before half time at football games
Just because they want to get to the toilet/bar/sausage roll counter early they think it’s ok to interrupt other people. It’s not. And another thing. If they have got up early and something interesting happens on the pitch, they stop and watch it. You can’t have it both ways! Grrrrrrrr!
30. No trainers rules in bars and clubs
People will not behave better if they wear bad shoes instead of good trainers. I refuse to go anywhere where trainers are not allowed, (apart from swimming pools).
31. The phrase “smart casual”
“Dull conformist.”
32. The phrase “regular”
What is wrong with small and large?
33. Adverts sent to you by text message
This should be made illegal, plain and simple.
34. Baby on Board signs in cars
So you’ve had a shag. I don’t need to know.
35. Staff in coffee houses looking at you blankly because you ask them for a black coffee and not some complicated concoction from the menu board
Why is it so hard to get a black filter coffee?
36. Silly names for coffee’s
Skinny latte, frapamucachino etc etc.
37. Café’s talking about their Italian style coffee.
It doesn’t have to be Italian, just good.
38. Trainers with no laces
I’m very wary of folk who wear these.
39. When in an office you pick up the phone and you say “Hello, Phil speaking,” or you pick up the phone for someone else and you say “Hello, Paul’s phone,” and the person the other end replies “Hello Phil speaking,” or “Hello Pauls phone.”
The phone has been around for over 100 years. Surely people can come up with something better than this.
40. When you ask somebody how they are and they reply “Not three bad.”
Round them up and throw shoes at them.
41. When you ask somebody if they would like sugar in their tea and they reply, “No thanks, I’m sweet enough.”
These people should be forced to drink a hot salty pint of pensioner piss.
42. Watching video footage of Siamese twins when I’m eating
It turns my stomach. I have no idea why. I think it’s because the poor little fellas always look so long of face and wonky.
43. Looking at half empty sauce bottles
Grubby!
44. Ironed Jeans with shoes
No.
45. Looking at untoasted heavily buttered bread for any long period of time
I don’t like the way the big scoops of butter just sit there against the white background of the bread.
46. Branston Pickle
This stuff stinks. I used to go out with a half Greek girl in my early 20’s who loved the stuff. I would refuse to kiss her unless she cleaned her teeth. We split up.
47. The word “chutney”
It’s a lumpy word.
48. Poncy, trendy “be seen in” restaurants
I love going out to eat, not to be seen eating.
People talking about themselves defecating
I like to pretend nobody does this, particularly ladies. And what I really hate is people saying things like, “I’m just going to wave some friends off to the coast,” as if it had not been said before and they made it up.
49. British people in the summertime
The crimes are endless. Faded 80’s sports shorts, black Speedo trunks, shorts with socks and sandals, wearing a pair of trunks and a t-shirt down the high street. Who will rid me of this turbulent season?
50. People who go all the way to the Big Brother studios on eviction night and then boo.
Its just a cyber generation witch-hunt I tell you.
51. Making conversation with the hairdressers
I feel uneasy enough as it is facing a mirror with hair all down the back of my neck, without having to tell the hairdresser things he probably doesn’t want to hear and I don’t want to say. It doesn’t help matters that my local barbers is run by 4 Italian brothers who are the most xenophobic bunch I’ve ever met. One of the brother’s solution to the middle-east crisis (and I swear this is true) is for the United States to manufacture a huge bomb disguised as a meteorite. Then they can launch it on Israel, wiping out the Jews and Palestinians in one go. The problem will be solved and everybody will think it’s a natural disaster. You may think that after this explanation I rose up and voiced my outrage at such a preposterous idea, but he had a razor at my neck, so I let it lie.
52. Topless men in towns
I’ve got no problem with this at the seaside but in the
middle of town it really is a no no.
53. Halifax adverts
Nothing is so gnawing to me as a bank trying to claw my money away with humour. These adverts really get to me because everyone’s singing and getting excited over percentages and interest rates. Let’s face it, percentages and interest rates are some of the dullest things on this earth.
54. People who stop and stare when an emergency vehicle goes past them
I don’t know why they do it. They won’t see the actual accident or mishap no matter how hard they look.
55. Looking in rock-pools and finding nothing there.
As a child I used to watch people like Tony Soper and Terry Nutkins going all around the coastline of Britain looking in rock-pools and finding the most fantastic stuff; fish. crabs, shrimps, rare seaweeds and all sorts. Whenever I find a rock pool it’s got nothing in it except a piece of string and an old plastic bag. The whole bloody thing was a set up. Tony Soper never stumbled across these things; they were placed there by the BBC. I feel that as a child I was conned.
56. Asda adverts
I just really hate the arse slapping thing.
57. Small Smart Cars
“Ooo, look at us with our chic, environmental urban choice.” Oh, f**k off!
58. People who bring something to you and then leave saying the word “enjoy.”
I hate this word. It’s so very 21st century. Everyone seems to use it; From ex work colleagues through to waiters and even schoolchildren doing Saturday jobs in café’s. It’s the sort of word a bad magician would use when he is about to produce something of awe.
59. People who upon meeting you say “So, what do you know?”
I know lot’s of things. Please be more specific.
60. Stage musicals and show tunes
Vacuous pap. Theatre for the artisitc underclass.
61. People who answer affirming questions with “I am Indeed.”
You see this a lot on youth based TV shows, were the presenter says to a twenty-something person, “So, Toby you’re an accountant?” “I am indeed” replies Toby. Quite why it annoys me, I don’t know.
62. The Norwich Union “Quote Me Happy” adverts
Nobody should be as ridiculously happy as these actors about clawing a few extra pounds back from the great bank of life.
63. Protruding nasal hair
Dirty!
64. People on Friends Reunited who put their “nickname” next to their real name.
Every time I have seen a nickname attached to anybody I went to school with, I look in disbelief and think to myself, “nobody ever called you that. You’ve just put it on the website because that’s what you would like tobe called.” The cheeky blighters!
65. Any event that attaches a dress code to it.
If I’m not comfortable with what I’m wearing, I can’t relax. Given the chance, I would quite happily go through my life wearing my flip-flops, jeans and t-shirts. Oh, hang on, I do.
66. The three quarter length jacket things that girls wear in offices. I don’t know what they are called but they come down about 8 inches above the knee
The reason I don’t like these is because in the early 90’s when Simon Mayo (mole faced radio DJ) had a brief TV career, he would always appear on screen wearing a similar thing. No girl should ever remind a man of Simon Mayo.
67. Something about Fiona Bruce
It’s not Fiona Bruce. I’m sure she’s a very nice person. It’s just there is something about her that I don’t like, but I don’t really know myself what it is. Maybe it’s that I really want to see something sexy about her, but just can’t.
68. Ironing
God, I hate ironing. It is the dullest, most tedious of all the household chores. I’m proud to state that I haven’t ironed anything since 21st January 2005.
69. Naming a level crossing or section of road after someone who died there
The place to commemorate your nearest and dearest is not the spot where they became a road traffic statistic. The quiet dignity of a bench overlooking a pleasing rural scene should suffice.
70. Business people using military phrases
“Operation,” “pre-emptive strike,” “mission statement,” “firing a salvo.” I’m sure corporate sorts use these phrases because they secretly wish they were a big burly soldiers.
71. Cheap chrome or chrome effect gifts, often marketed as “Men’s Gifts”
Every Christmas or Fathers Day out come the chrome effect calculators, desk clocks, shaving sets, mouse mats with built in LED clock, stubby pens and photo frames. I hope I never get a “mans gift.”
72. The phrase “Bring it On”
It’s a boastful “I’m ready for anything” type phrase. It has a motivational business speak feeling about it, and that’s quite enough reason to put it on this list.
73. The phrase “Footy”
It has an adult playful quality about it that I just don’t like.
74. The town Windsor
I have no idea why I dislike this town. It’s a nice place, full of great architecture and steeped in history. But there’s something about it that I find incredibly claustrophobic.
75. Bluetooth headsets
No, no, no!
76. Chefs with attitude
It’s only a bit of cooking. Get over yourself.
77. People dithering at cashpoint machines
Urghhh, grmphhhh, humphhh. I’m very intolerant of this.
