I’m very hacked off, and why? Well, I’m sick to death of reading and hearing the word ‘community’ every time I turn on the TV, listen to the radio or read a newspaper. There’s the Muslim community, the black community, the community fighting to save a leisure centre, the community around the home of a murder victim, blah blah blah blah BLAH! Why has this word suddenly sprung up over the last few years? Nobody used it before.

As far as I’m concerned, communities are things you find in quaint little picture postcard villages; they don’t exist in the broad context that TV news reports and governments seem to suggest. It wasn’t that long ago that I had a house near Slough. If anyone seriously tried suggesting to me that Slough was a community then I would have phoned an ambulance and tried to get them sectioned. Even the little development I lived in wasn’t a community (I didn’t even know the bloke five doors along from me). You can rest assured however that If I had been brutally disposed of by a nutter, the ‘community’ around my house would have been ‘in shock’. Community! It’s all cobblers it is!

Birds are hampered by their lack of hands.  We are hampered by our lack of wings.  Just imagine what it would be like if we had wings.  There would  be no cycle industry for a start.  Who needs a mountain bike when you could fly with leisure over a forest.

Each time I drive down the M25 I get an almost uncontrollable urge to dance on it with vigorous heterosexual abandon. Of course, I’d need to stop all the traffic first for obvious safety reasons. I can imagine myself running around on all that lovely clean flat tarmac, waving my hands in that air like I just didn’t care, doing forward rolls and rubbing my chin all over the hard shoulder. It must be so cool to dance and run about somewhere so anti pedestrian and brutal. All I want is five minutes in my life to do this. If only Jim’ll Fix It was still going. He’d understand.