What I want to talk about is something that has completely changed my life. It’s something called an electronic cigarette (or e-cig).  You may have heard about them or seen dodgy looking adverts for them in those nasty little catalogues that sometimes come with Sunday newspapers.  As a smoker you also, probably like me, thought that £30 for a starter kit was a lot of cash to punt on something that could end up being no more than kitchen drawer detritus. I’m here to tell you that whilst £30 from a magazine probably is a waste of money, £50 from a good online retailer isn’t.

I like smoking.  It’s simple.  I know the health risks, know it’s killing me and I realise it’s an utterly stupid way of giving money to the government.  I also realise how unpleasant it is for those around me who not only have to breathe and smell my smoke, but have to see me slowly and willingly increase my chances of dying from cancer or having a heart attack.   But, and this is what it comes down to, the selfish, stupid part in me enjoys smoking too much.  Putting it down like that makes me look like an idiot.  And I was.

Now, being of moderate intelligence, I know that ultimately, even though I liked it, smoking was something I should really not be doing.  So I tried to stop, a number of times.  Once for 14 months, once for 9 weeks, and countless times for a week or less.  I tried gum, patches, lozenges, inhalers- most of the pap that is traditionally banded about to help scum like me quit.

The most successful thing for me was patches.  By following the correct instructions you can really can get a result, for a while.  But as a smoker you’ll know that a plaster on your arm doesn’t quite replicate all the wonderful things about smoking that people like Alan Carr (the smoking guru, not to buck toothed comedian) try to pretend to you are not important.  Putting a cigarette in your mouth, the hit at the back of your throat, the immediate sense of calm it gives you, blowing smoke out through your mouth, taking 5 minutes out of a conversation to go outside and have a little ‘me-time’, the first smoke of the day, the one after a meal, the one halfway through doing some time-consuming work, meeting fellow smokers whilst having a drag.  I could go on and on and on.

So, if someone said to you that you could still have all of the above but without any of the well known health risks, you’d surely give it a go, wouldn’t you?  I did, and it is one of the best moves I have ever made.  The Nobel prize to Hon Lik please.

Hon Lik used to light up first thing in the morning. He smoked between lectures at the university where he studied Oriental medicine, between bites at lunch and in the lab where he researched ginseng health products. He’d usually burn through two packs by dusk and smoke a third over dinner and drinks with colleagues. It wasn’t until his father, also a heavy smoker, died of lung cancer that Hon finally kicked the habit.

Hon’s story could be that of any other nicotine-addicted, middle-aged man in China, where 60% of the men smoke. What distinguishes the 52-year-old pharmacist and inventor is that he found inspiration in the addiction, decided he didn’t want to risk it anymore, and so, in 2003 invented the e-cigarette.

What is an e-cigarette?  Well, I’ll let Wikipedia tell you as there’s no point in me paraphrasing.

“An electronic cigarette is an electrical device that attempts to simulate the act of tobacco smoking by producing an inhaled mist bearing the physical sensation, appearance, and often the flavor and nicotine content of inhaled tobacco smoke. The device uses heat to vaporize a propylene glycol- or glycerin-based liquid solution into an aerosol mist, similar to the way a nebulizer or humidifier vaporizes solutions for inhalation. Nicotine, if present in the liquid solution being used, is absorbed through membranes of the mouth and lungs.”

So the short of it is, you’re still taking in nicotine, but you’re not taking in any of the other harmful 4000 chemicals found in cigarettes, some of which are known to cause cancer.  And we all know by now that it’s not the nicotine in cigarettes that is the real problem.  But there’s more.  Because there is no lighting up and no actual smoke, it means there are no smelly clothes, no smelly breath or any smelly rooms.  And rooms are important because e-cigs are not covered by the smoking ban.  You can smoke indoors, in pubs, in stations and, if you are very brave and can accept some odd looks and possible complaints from the confused, you can ‘smoke’ on a  plane.

So is it really safe?  Well, my reading of the evidence and tests suggests it is. Propylene glycol is widely used in food, and oral toxicity of it is very low.  Huge quantities are required to cause any perceptible health damage in humans, quantities an e-smoker is never likely to inhale.  There is some very good information on the safety of e-cigs online if you care to look.  I won’t say any more now as I think it is best to draw your own conclusions, but it’s certainly becoming popular to suggest “for a smoker, the health hazards of continuing to smoke greatly outweigh any potential risks of using nicotine replacement therapy”.  That’s a quote from Cancer Research UK.

But what does it feel like?  Well, providing you get the right type of e-cig (as I said before, £30 will be a waste of money, £50 won’t be) it’ll feel just like a cigarette.  You’ll take it out of your pocket, pop it in your mouth, inhale, get a good ‘throat hit’ and exhale ‘smoke’.  It’ll feel great and it won’t be killing you.  You can smoke as much or as little as you want in one go and you’re not tied to the traditional flavours of tobacco or menthol.  There are hundreds of different flavours you can experiment with.  Personally, I’m enjoying strawberry right now.  Yesterday morning  it was ice menthol, and yesterday afternoon on the beach it was cola.  And if the nicotine thing is bothering you, there’s plenty of nicotine free e-liquid too. Get really seriously into it and you can start mixing your own flavours.  The possibilities are limitless.

The e-cig itself (or rather, my one) looks a bit like a thin black marker pen.  Not enough to make you look odd, but enough for the device to do its job well.  You can get e-cigs that look exactly like analogue (normal) cigarettes, but these are the ones I would avoid.  A £50 e-cig from a £30 e-cig is like going from a Proton to a Porsche, and whilst a £30 e-cig will get you off smoking, it probably won’t keep you off.

So what about these costs?  Assuming you want a good e-cig that will more than replicate a cigarette, a starter kit will set you back about £50.  For this you will get 2 cigarettes, a battery charger (wall and USB) and probably some e-liquid too.  And that is your main cost out of the way.  From then on you just buy the e-liquid and use it top up your cigarette.  I won’t go into the technicalities of how all this is done, but it’s dead easy.  As a rough guide, a 10ml bottle of e-liquid will cost you about 6 quid (much less if you buy in bigger quantities), and if you smoke 5 a day will probably last you about a week.  Even if you are a 20 a day person, the cost of vaping (as e-smoking is called) will be considerably cheaper than £5 a day spent on cigarettes.  With a lot of e-liquid bought (about a month’s worth) and the starter kit, I broke even in four weeks and then just watched the savings role in.  I should point out that e-cigs use batteries and atomizers (the heating element) and these do need to be replaced here and there.  How often depends on how much you use them, but batteries and atomizers normally come in at under a tenner each.  So, it’s not free, but it is a hugely significant saving over traditional cigarettes and a very pleasurable experience.

I truly believe that if you enjoy smoking but want to seriously minimize the health risks, e-cigs have the potential to be one of the greatest life savers this century.  A bold statement I know, but there are millions like me all around the world who think the same, and the numbers are growing every day.  And because of this the tobacco industry are very scared indeed.  But what the tobacco industry is trying to do to protect their profits is a whole different story and not for discussion here.  Don’t be surprised though if you start to hear and read a lot more about e-cigs and vaping over the next few years.

If you are interested in any of what I’ve prattled on about and want more specific advice based my vaping experiences I’ll be more than happy to give you the benefits of my limited knowledge or point you in the direction of very well informed websites and organisations.  And please do feel free to ask.  I went from 15 cigarettes a day to nothing in one day and I don’t miss analogues one bit- I much prefer vaping.  I honestly believe that if you were to try a good e-cig you’d never want to smoke an analogue ever again either.

So yes, I’m excited, yes I have the enthusiasm of a Jack Russell  with a rubber ball, but it’s all for a very good reason.  At last I’ve truly given up cigarettes and have found something that not only substitutes the pleasure, but is a hell of a lot more fun, healthier and cheaper.  I’d love you to give up smoking too.

I’m chuffed to bits about this for, despite having a lovely relationship with Palores, I never presume that each new work I write is guaranteed publication.  I tend to go about my publishing deals in a rather haphazard way.  I write the book and then if my publisher likes it they publish it.  There’s no multiple book deal, rarely an advance and no timeline.  This not only is best for them (as a small publisher) but it actually works great for me because it gives me the freedom to write at my own pace with no interference, and then when I’m finished I just go to them and say, “Here you are, do you like this?” They either say yes or no or offer some advice that could improve on what I’ve done.  Fortunately, in the five years I’ve been with Palores they have yet to say no, so I’m extremely grateful and lucky for that.  They really are a fantastic little outfit Palores; always helpful, always encouraging, always positive about the writing I throw their way.  I mainly deal with one guy called Les Merton, and let me tell you now, Les is a wonderful poet.  Do check him out if you feel so inclined.  He’s had a number of books out.

So, timelines.  The totally finished manuscript will hit the publisher in January, and from then all the bits and bobs that need to be done to make it an actual physical book you can hold and bend start.  The process itself from submission to actual publication is about 5 months.  It may sound a long time, but there is quite a lot to do, and like I said earlier, they are a small publisher and they are juggling a lot of other works as well as mine. I think realistically we are looking at publication in July 2011.

The book itself.  Well, having had three books out now (2 poetry, 1 novel) that contain the words, seashore, sea or seaside in the title, I thought it about time that I moved away from another ocean based name.  There’s only so much seaside nonsense people can take.  So that is why I’ve gone with “The Relentless Nature of Dust”.  Why this odd title?  Well, it refers to an episode that occurred when I worked part-time in a crappy little corner shop for a horrible boss.  I could explain it here, but I’ll just give you the poem in full.  Look at it as a little taster of what’s to come.

The Relentless Nature of Dust

When my boss told me

that I dusted like a lazy housewife

and that all I did

was move the dust

from one place to another,

I ignored his sexist twaddle

and informed him that,

molecular construction being what it was,

I was unable to change the relentless nature of dust.

He told me that science was no excuse.

The following week

as I watched him enjoying every mouthful of his bolognase

I thought about the selected detritus from the hoover bag

that I had mixed within.

All I did

was move the dust from one place to another.

What I’m pleased about is that where my last two poetry offerings were what is called in the trade ‘chap books’ (small books of 30 pages or so) this new book will be a full offering coming in at 72 pages.  There will be double the number of poems in it than my previous two offerings.  I would like to think that this is a sign of me getting more prolific, but as this book took twice the length of time to write than my previous two, alas it’s not a sign at all.

A bit about the book.  One thing I learnt early on is that poems are not definitive statements of being.  They are transitory things that reflect where you are as a person when you write them.  I made the mistake whilst writing my first poetry collection (Poem From the Seashore) of thinking that what I was putting down on paper were my final conclusions on all the subjects I was covering.  That was not the case at all.  Poems From the Seashore was written when I was coming out of a bit of a dark place and it reflected the thoughts and feelings of the time.  In fact, when I look back at some of it now there is no doubt that a few of the poems there I just couldn’t write now.  In fact, the odd poem I cringe about.  Two words I never like to see in poetry are soul and heart (all encompassing cop-out words). I certainly know I used the word soul in my first book; heart? I can’t remember.

Anyway, I digress.  The point is that poems are simply descriptions of scenery you past and stations you stop at on the big train journey of life.  The train always moves on.  And that’s why there are some things in my new offering that are different to what’s gone before, just as there were things in my second book that were different to my first.  It all sounds rather obvious I guess, but hell, I’ve said it now.

So what will be different in this book?  I think the main difference will be the conservatism in the language I’ve used.  It’s something I started to explore in my second offering and something I’ve been really big on with this book.  I’ve been reading a lot of historical Chinese and Japanese poetry, and the thing that strikes you so much with the work from those two cultures is how much one can say with so little.  It doesn’t mean short poems, it doesn’t mean poems without depth, it means poems that show their message not tell it.  I hope that makes some sense.  If you’re starting to get a bit bored now, rest assured, there will be some nonsense in the book too and some nice, silly long poems that I like to do live when I can.

I think it might be a good time to stop now as I feel myself going on somewhat.  So let’s recap.  New poetry book agreed by publisher, out in July 2011, longer than previous two, definitely my writing, but a progression from the previous two books.

So that’s it.  Thanks for taking the time to get to the end of this little note, much appreciated.  And don’t forget, Christmas is on its way, and who wouldn’t want a Phil Lucas book for Christmas?  That’s why what’s coming up is a link to my shop.

Have lots of fun lovely people.

Phil x

http://phillucas.com/shop.php

Slam was unfortunately invented by construction worker/poet Mark Smith in the USA in 1986 and the first slam was held at The Green Mill Lounge, Chicago (a city that should know better). Smith invited the audience to play a major role by asking them to judge the poets, using scorecards (a bit like ice skating).  As we all know, competition should play a vital part in the poetry wrtiting art.  As Smith says; “The slam is about poets performing professionally to an audience with the most profound and heartfelt poetry they can muster, and it’s about allowing that audience to enjoy themselves.”  Well, that’s what he thinks anyway.

The good news is that it’s very easy to become a slam poet.  All you have to do is write something (make it quite long and tedious) and decide that you are now one.  In addition to this you must have a headstrong belief in your own abilities and think that your words have some degree of importance.  I find that a fierce critique of capitalism coupled with a ruthless competitiveness and jealously of the good works of others is a winning mix.  At the very least, your words should be cathartic for you.

If, having read this far, you feel that you fancy having a go at being a slam poet, then the following short guide is guaranteed to yield swift and noticeable results.

1.  Write a Poem about some social or political issue making sure that there is at least one swear word within the body of the poem that describes somebody unpopular.  Please note; although the swear word is optional to slam poetry, it is a most welcome addition.

2.  Practice your poem by thinking you’re a rapper, and always make sure that you know your poem off by heart.  The best slam poets look like they are hip-hop artists performing live when the music backing tape has broken down.

3. Your hand gestures and shows of  ‘passion’ are all important.  Don’t forget that performance is a big part of slam poetry.  Certainly as important as the words.

4. Go to a slam and recite your poem, making sure that if you do have a swear word you really do build-up to it.  Crowbarred rhymes are always a good way to do this.

5.  When you say your optional swear world (example, “David Cameron, he’s a wanker”) make sure you that you take the time to appreciate the banal cheering of the audience.  It is those moments that make you realise just how good you actually are.  However, don’t let the mindless whooping and cheering fool you into thinking that your poem has provided any sort of solution to the problem/issue you are highlighting.  Solutions are not the job of a poet.  The job of a poet is to highlight an issue in an engaging manner. Your job as a slam poet, though, is slightly different.  Your job is to appear ‘street’, get annoyed and whip your audience into some kind of Nuremberg style frenzy.

6.  It is extremely important that you feel self-satisfied and sufficiently invigorated at the end of your slam reading to go home and continue to write more poems along the same lines. You should be able to find your own inspirations quite easily.  Some slam poets, for example, like to pretend they live near drug users or on edgy estates in inner cities.  If you find these two examples a little too clichéd you could always fall back on the subject of your religion (if you have one).  Make sure you get some really good ideas flowing about how you feel oppressed by others judging your faith.  An alternative to this would be to go and stand at a bus stop for a while and look at some unfortunate individual in the queue.  Then you can rush home and write about them, letting your imagination wander.  Be sure to pretend that you have a much closer connection with the person than you actually do.  Oh, and another thing.  Really go for the big linguistic gesture.  If you feel a bit mixed up in your mind, say that there is a ‘tornado of emotions’ going on inside; If you’re feeling a bit put upon, try rhyming ‘liberation’ with ‘realisation’, and if someone you know has been cautioned by the police over a minor traffic violation, really go to town describing how unjust the whole thing was.  ‘Dissing’ the police is both popular and clever.

7.  By continually repeating the above process you should eventually find that some middle-class people in the media industry pick up on you and throw you on to the odd arts show here and there.  You may even do an interview in London magazine (probably one of those free ones).  There is nothing middle-class people like more than a certain closeness to something they perceive as gritty and ‘real’.  Unfortunately this desire for closeness does sometimes cloud their objective cultural judgement, but this should not be an issue that concerns you.  In fact, you should embrace their shortcomings.  Don’t imagine though that they will be your friends for long.  The media industry people are clever and have active minds.  They will quickly get bored and start looking for something new to align themselves to.

8.  When embarking on being a slam poet it’s quite cool to admit to people and practice the art of not reading much poetry.  Tell people that you don’t have much in common with established poets, and keep telling yourself this too.  You’ll find that this will help you enormously in keeping your writing, fresh, opinionated and doggedly self-absorbed.

So, there you have it, that’s slam poetry.  By following the simple rules I have outlined above you should be well on the way to some kind of career.  It’s unlikely you will be able to leave your real job (if you have one), but that, alas, is the harsh world of poetry.  Never forget that even really good poets mostly have other jobs.

A word of caution, however.  Despite your best efforts you will probably not become the next Scroobius Pip, as he is from the rare stable of slam poets who are actually quite good.  Don’t worry about this though, because even though he and a few other slam poets out there do actually add something to the wide and varied world of poetry (and we should applaud them), the majority of the breed spout dross; so you should find it won’t take you too long to be a match for even the most established of slam poets.

Having looked at the list of all 650 constituencies, I have decided that the following are my top 14 (in no particular order) of really dull sounding constituencies. These are the sort of places you’d be sent to if you did something horrid and very wrong. Something like bumming a dog or letting down the tyres on an ice cream van.

1. Erewash

2. Boston and Skegness

3. Sleaford and North Hykeham

4. Luton South

5. Croydon Central

6. Feltham and Heston

7. Congleton

8. Pendle

9. Dudley South

10. Brigg and Goole

11. Hull North

12. Batley and Spen

13. Pudsey

14. Gordon

I’m thinking that I want to glam these places up. What about a new party for the next election aiming to have a candidate in each of these 14 constituencies? I’ve already decided that I want to put a statue of Marc Bolan up in Hull North and a mosaic of Tina Turner in Pendle. I think these small measures will boost these places profiles enormously and lift them from their dull sounding environment.

I’ve not really given it any more thought than that. Have you got any ideas? Name of party, colour of rosette, policies – I need ideas. I know that you good people never let me down.

As an aside, during my research I noticed a constituency called Tyne Bridge. How cool is that? A bridge that is a whole constituency. I’m guessing the way it works is that anyone on the bridge on election day gets to vote. I wish there was a bridge near me. I’d campaign for that to become a constituency too.

It’s been a while since I popped something on to this part of my website. What can I say? I’ve been lazy, most definitely, but I’ve also been doing other stuff and I’m going to tell you about that now.

For a while I’ve been directing poetry related people to this site, and their response has always been the same.
“There’s not much poetry on it, is there?”
To that reply I can do nothing but agree. There isn’t. To alleviate this problem and to stop people telling me there’s not much poetry on my website I’ve come up with a solution. A shiny new dedicated poetry website where I can plonk all my poetry related work. You can find it at

http://www.poetrycupboard.com

Do go and have a look around. I’d be more than pleased. Hopefully it should prove to be a useful resource for anyone who deems my work worthy of a browse.

So, from now, if it’s poetry your after, go to poetry cupboard. If it’s prose or any of the other bits and bobs I get up to, come here. It all seems to make sense doing it that way.

That’s about it really. Oh, my next poetry book is coming along well, thanks for asking. I’m probably about two thirds of the way through it. I’m hoping for publication later in the year (probably towards the end). I’m quite excited about it because my last two little books were just that, little. This new book won’t be little, it’ll be big. Well, not big, but bigger. It’ll have about 60-70 poems in it. I’m really looking forward to getting it finished and out to the big world.

I’m also working on a couple of other poetry ideas. More details on those when there’s something of any worth to report.

All that is left for me to say is that I hope you’re all well and life is treating you just lush.

Ta.

I thought I’d send a little message to give you some info about what’s coming up in the very near future. It’s been all go here at Lucas Towers.

September 15th sees the release of the follow-up to ‘Poems From the Seashore’. The new book is called ‘The Silence of the Suburbs, The Call of the Sea’ (yes, another seashore theme). It’s a small offering of 32 poems from the same publisher as before, Palores Publications, and is very similar in layout and style to the first book. When it’s out it will be available online at Amazon or through bookshops. However, if you want a copy a before it becomes widely available, you can send a cheque for £3.95 directly to the publisher, and a nice chap called Les will pop one in a brown envelope and send it out to you, postage free. The first 50 will be signed (which may increase its value on ebay by about 7p). The address to send your old-skool cheques to is:

Palores Publications
12 Melrose Avenue
Twickenham
TW2 7JE

The other bit of exciting news (at least for me) is that my first novel, ‘Seaside Tales From Asper St. Jasper’ (yes, the seaside theme yet again) will be coming out at the end of September. For those that may be interested, here is the blurb that will be on the back cover of the book.

–
About 94 miles away from where you live sits the weird and wonderful little seaside town of Asper St. Jasper. Here, in this modest book, are a wealth of magnificently strange tales about the town’s oddball residents and their curious antics. Why does Shanklin Roquefort keep throwing fruit at pensioners and putting signs up everywhere? Will Chunky Fido, with his expertly-honed guerrilla tactics, ever succeed in eliminating soft-scoop ice creams from the town? And what possible reason could there be for a nose to jump off a fisherman’s face and go looking for cake? As you can see, there’s a lot happening in town!

Don’t be fooled into thinking these tales are for children, though. The abundant cultural and nostalgic TV references that burst out from nearly every page, put pay to that. As does the single use of the phrase, ‘brutal serial killer’, in one of the footnotes. You have been warned.
–

I’ll give more info out to those who are interested the nearer the book gets to release. What I can tell you is that it will cost £8.99 and is just over 400 pages long (don’t worry, it’s quite a big font). Oh, and it’s got a lovely looking ice cream on the cover. I am quite disappointed that we were unable to accommodate the picture of me with a garden gnome on the back cover, but sometimes life can be cruel. It’s a real shame, because it was a far better photo than the one that is going on my new poetry book. In that one, I look like I’ve got a very long face and a tiny head. I look a bit like an alien.

The final bit of news is that I now have a mailing list operating. Mailing lists are a really nice way to keep people who want to know about stuff up-to-date. I like it because I don’t have to bother or annoy people who couldn’t care less about me and my silly adventures.

Anyway, this mailing list. It’s just a way that you can keep up to date with all the bits and bobs that are happening with my books, poetry readings, events etc. If that sounds like your bag, then you’re very welcome to join by going to this bit of my website.

http://www.phillucas.com/contact.php

I do give you this cast-iron super water-tight promise. I will not send your email address on to any person or any dodgy company, and I’ll only ever contact you with things that I think may be nice to share.

So, that’s about the short of it. Thanks for taking the time to read this little message. I hope everybody is keeping well, and I wish only the very best for you all. Do always feel free to drop me message about anything at all. It’s always lovely to hear from you.

With many happy wishes,

Phil x

–

Like many people, I don’t function at all well in the morning unless I’ve had a lovely steaming mug of crow-black coffee. But coffee to me is not just about functioning. Oh no. I’d go as far to say as I Love coffee (note the capital L). From the magical concoctions of the baristas through to the cheap flavour of the last chocolate in the box, I’m there to savour it all. So, it’ll probably come as no great surprise for you to learn that I spend a lot of time in coffee shops. As a writer, coffee shops are my spiritual home. They are the retreat from which I power up my ideas and muse on complex things like lightbulbs or simple things like Bono. They are also a wonderful source of inspiration, for it is from coffee shops that I sit idly in comfort most days watching the odd folk of this world going about their business and leisure. Oh yes, I’ve spent many productive and wasted hours in coffee shops. In fact, I’ll wager that if you can think of a type of coffee shop, then I’ve sat in it. I’ve sat in the big American ones, the American ones that pretend they’re Italian, the Italian ones, The British ones, the French ones, the independent ones, and a fair few others that effort dictates I will not name. Coffee shops and myself are trusted friends. Soul brothers of sorts.

So I think that I speak from experience when I say that there is one thing about coffee shops the world over that is the same. And that is this. All coffee shops give ridiculous names to the various concoctions they offer. Now, I’m a simple man. I don’t wish for a Frappucino Pendalino Super Soft Skinny Mocca Latte with marshmallows and a sprinkling of star shaped chocolate. I’m not under the illusion that I’m consuming a bit of luxury in my otherwise pointless life. No. I just wish for a black coffee. Simple. But, and here’s the rub, I’m not allowed to ask for a black coffee, because it’s not up there on the menu in black, white or multi-coloured letters. What I have to ask for is an Americano. This greatly annoys me, not least because I have to add an ’o’ to the word American. It also annoys me because by asking for an Americano it adds an extra unnecessary layer of conversation with my server. Not that I mind a bit of idle chit-chat you understand, but clarifying whether I would like my Americano with or without milk is not what I have in mind. Granted, I could just ask for a black Americano and avoid the fuss, but I figure that if I asked for a black coffee in the first place I’d be saving myself 3 syllables.

The short of all this is that I have refused for many years to be sucked into this Guardian reading over complication of coffee products. I have always made it my personal duty to only ask for a black coffee, no matter what silly name it goes under in the coffee shop. Sometimes, this works fine and the staff just get me my order, with, I like to think, a little knowing nod, to show that beyond their branded polo shirt, the wily member of staff actually agrees with me and my deviant request. Sometimes however, I am faced with a blank expression.

In the olden days the blank expression was usually from those employees who were not best up to date with their minds. More recently however, the blank looks are from Polish girls on the minimum wage. And this is why today, for the first time ever, I stopped asking for a black coffee, gritted my teeth and muttered the dirty word Americano.

The specifics are this. The poor Polish girl at the coffee shop I currently frequent is a relatively new arrival. I have noted that the management started her off on simple table cleaning duties and then slowly, ever so slowly, introduced her to the labyrinthine coffee machine. It was only today however that she was let loose on the customers. Now, this dear young girl does not have a wide grasp of the English language (although her English is probably considerably better than our Polish) so she is at a moderate disadvantage to start with. Couple that with her having to learn the menu of the coffee shop quickly, and you have the recipe for potential disaster. Given these factors, it’s hardly surprising that when I asked for a black coffee she faltered somewhat. But God love her, she did her best.

What she did was look at me blankly, scratch her head and then give me a big lovely smile. It was a smile that said, “I don’t understand a word you’re saying, but here, have my best smile and let’s start again.” Of course, under such circumstances, how could I possibly ask for a black coffee a second time? You’re right, I couldn’t. So I weighed up the situation, reverted to the big black menu board above her and then brought to the fore my deeply engrained sense of British good manners. I then took a deep breath, grimaced somewhat, and from my mouth out popped the word Americano. She, to her credit, understood me perfectly, asked if I wanted it black or white, verbally passed the order to a Chinese teenager with a mullet and gave me another one of her winning smiles.

So there you have it. I have broken one of my cardinal rules. But, now that I have explained myself, I think you’ll agree, that on the odd occasion, I must toe this new-fangled, PC, up-its-own-arse line. I’ve got the EU to thank for that. I blame Leon Brittan.

Do enjoy this.

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About me:
ok…embarrasing bit out first, due to stupid house prices, i am still in the parental abode!there now the cats out of the bag.i am a happy go lucky person who i think has a gsoh.i like to meet and make new friends but when i am out, speaking to the oppo sex is something i aint all that good at but thanks to msn/yahoo if i do get to know a lass then we can use that to build upto a meet and hopefully another meet and the worlds our oyster.i am a lover of the mature woman, that being from 30+ upto say(off the top of my head)50ish.i love photography and at the moment i have a camera that i got from the tesco in goole for £87.i currently work in a crappy chicken factory on the minimum wage but one day i will get out.my msn n yahoo i will give to anybody that i see fit to have it

Who I’d like to meet:
a female with a good sense of humour, colour unimportant as i aint prejudiced, age well anything between late 20’s til very late 40’s(love the mature woman), i do have this lust/love for the mature sexy and nice looking lass.enjoys all aspects of getting to know each other, espesh the sex/lovemaking part, wether it be in the bedroom or wherever, all in the confines of a r/ship.loves music,film,comedy and outdoor pursuits-walking and seeing the sights(espesh the coast when the weather is superb),cosy nights in as well as out.hopefully will like photos,tho not essential at all.the main thing is that there is communication as without it, the whole thing is doomed before it starts.id love to meet the sexy actress LIZ WHITE, who was in LIFE ON MARS, she played wpc annie cartwright…..she has the phwoarrr factor