Featured below is an exclusive preview from the forthcoming novel "Seaside Tales From Asper St Jasper" by Phil Lucas.
The Job Interview
Chapter the First
Asper St Jasper was not a place for big business. It was a pretty little seaside town, where fishing boats bobbed gently in the harbour and people ate ice creams. But, away on the dark fringes of the conurbation, there was one big, bad, brutal corporate building, where rooks gathered on the roof and the sun never shone. Mr Twinkie was sitting in its sterile reception area on a cold February morning.
“Mr Twinkie, I’m Jez – very pleased to meet you.”
Jez extended his hand.
By extending his hand, I mean that Jez made a standard gesture of greeting towards Mr Twinkie. As far as Mr Twinkie could tell, Jez was neither bionic nor motorized.
“Please excuse the gloves,” said Mr Twinkie, “but I’m allergic to other people’s skin and I wear these for protection.”
Jez nodded sympathetically saying that it wasn’t a problem and that he fully understood.
“You found us alright then?”
“No problem at all,” said Mr Twinkie.
“Yes, we’re very lucky here to be right next to the station.”
“Oh, I didn’t come by train.”
“You didn’t?”
“No,” said Mr Twinkie rather sternly. “I have an allergy against most types of human hair – and let’s be frank, there’s a lot of that on trains.”
Jez was a little surprised by this comment, but all credit to the lad for trying not to show it.
“That must be quite annoying,” said Jez.
“It’s not too bad. On the whole I’m OK in one-to-one situations like this. It’s when there are lots of people around me that the vomiting, itching and scratching starts.”
Mr Twinkie leant towards Jez.
“Mainly on the face,” he added, giving it a good rub and throwing Jez one of his Paddington Bear stares.
“Something like a busy train or call-centre, for example, could pose a real difficulty to me.”
There was a definite look of unease on Jez’s face at this moment.
“We have a call-centre here, Mr Twinkie. It’s staffed by 250 employees. If you were to be successful in your application, you’d be working there all day long.”
“Oh, that’s not a problem,” Mr Twinkie said cheerily, unzipping his bag and plunging in a gloved hand. “Because........I’ve.....got..........THIS!”
“Tha...that’s...a...”
“Balaclava,” Mr Twinkie shouted with gusto. “I don’t like to wear it in public in case I get mistaken for a terrorist and shot by a marksman. Sometimes they miss, and then you end off far worse than if they’d just killed you outright in the first place.”
Jez really did look uneasy and seemed to be mouthing the word ‘bal-a-clava’ to himself slowly, twice.
To put his mind at rest, Mr Twinkie perked up a little more and looked at Jez very enthusiastically.
“It’s ideal for an office environment,” he offered, pointing to the hole in the balaclava where the mouth would go.
It was obvious that Jez was feeling awkward because he moved backwards slightly and bit his bottom lip. Jez’s awkwardness, in turn, made Mr Twinkie feel awkward, because Jez really did seem a nice sort of fellow who was just trying to do his job and get on in the world. The last thing he needed on a busy working day, was a man turning up in a pair of gloves, holding a balaclava. When it came down to it, Mr Twinkie was attending an interview he didn’t care about for a job he didn’t want. He felt guilty and decided to reassure Jez.
“Don’t worry, Jez, I know what you’re thinking, but it’s OK - really.”
Jez looked a little more relaxed and stopped biting his lip.
“I can still hear people on the phone when I’m wearing the balaclava.”
Mr Twinkie gave Jez a double thumbs-up.
Jez was now looking really rather unhappy, but still the gallant chap wasn’t letting on, and for that you had to hand it to him.
“That is good news,” he said. “Come into my office.”
Chapter the Second
Jez sat down behind his desk and beckoned Mr Twinkie to pull up a chair. Mr Twinkie opened his knapsack, took out a pillow and placed it precisely on the seat, making sure that each corner was symmetrical with the edges of the chair. Then he sat down.
Jez looked perturbed.
“Boils,” said Mr Twinkie.
“Can I get you a coffee, Mr Twinkie?”
“No thank you, I’m allergic to milk.”
“You could have it black if you like?”
“I don’t think so, I’ve a real problem with caffeine.”
“Cup of black tea then?”
“No. There’s more caffeine in a cup of tea than there is in three cups of coffee. I’d be dancing on the ceiling.”
It then occurred to Mr Twinkie, that maybe, Lionel Richie consumed a lot of caffeine.
“Herbal tea?” Jez said in hope.
“For limp folk,” Mr Twinkie scowled.
“Well, we do have water if you’d prefer?”
“That would be lovely.”
“Still or sparkling?” said Jez, looking visibly relieved.
“Oh, I don’t mind – I’m not a fussy person,” said Mr Twinkie.
Jez was definitely cheering up because he was no longer biting his bottom lip. He then pressed a button on his desk. In no time at all a middle-aged lady popped her head around the door. She then re-attached it to the rest of her body and all of her came into the room. She looked like she should have been called Doris.
“A cup of water please, Jean,” said Jez.
Mr Twinkie leant forward and looked at Jez.
“The water will come in a mug won’t it?”
“Mug?” He frowned.
“It won’t be a plastic cup, will it?”
“Plastic cup?” Jez was back to biting his lip again. The man clearly had an issue that needed some sort of therapy.
“Yes, a plastic cup.”
“I’m really not sure, Mr Twinkie.”
“Well, I’d rather have a mug if it’s all the same with you,” Mr Twinkie replied with a small degree of frustration; but he still smiled at the end of his statement to show no malice.
Jez regained both lips. “I think we can arrange that.”
“And no straw,” he added.
“Of course,” agreed Jez.
“I hope you don’t think it’s any trouble, it’s just that I’m…..”
“Allergic to plastic?” offered Jez.
“Certain types of plastic,” Mr Twinkie corrected him.
“A mug of water without a straw please, Jean,” said Jez.
Mr Twinkie moved round in his chair and scowled at Jean.
“And do please wash the mug out first. I have a terrible allergy to lipstick. It makes my lips flare up and look like Mick Jagger’s.”
Jean nodded and left the room in silence. Mr Twinkie slowly turned his chair back to face Jez.
“So then, what’s this job all about?”
Seaside Tales from Asper St Jasper will be published in October 2008.
